Having a Child / Getting Married are NOT Accomplishments

    We should all be proud of specific achievements in life. Graduating from college is a significant accomplishment. Telling everyone how much you drank one weekend is not. Landing a great job is a major accomplishment. Unless it's a blowjob, then no one cares. But often, when I hear people say their accomplishments in life, two specific things come up that makes me scratch my head like dry scalp. Those things are having a kid and getting married.

     Oh god, I can hear it now! "John, you're not married, and you don't have a kid. What do you know about these topics?" First off, you're right...I am not married. Shoot, it's hard enough for me to find a girl who isn't on Tinder WHILE being in a relationship with me. I don't have a human kid either, but I do have a dog. And yes, I stay at home with him when he is sick. Just because I don't have those commitments doesn't mean I haven't observed elements that made my mind question things. So before you call me a crybaby about this topic, let's digest if it's truly an accomplishment to get married. Is getting knocked up and having a child really an accomplishment? Let's also examine what it does to the value of the word accomplishment if we call things accomplishments that are far from it.

     I was on Facebook the other day and saw someone on my timeline saying, "Number 2 is on the way! OMG! What an accomplishment!" Thank god they posted a picture of the ultrasound with that caption, because without it, some may have thought she had to defecate like none other. So let's start with having a kid since you don't have to be engaged or married to fornicate. When someone says it was an accomplishment in having a child, they are essentially saying an achievement in life was having sex with a guy, who failed at pulling out, and nine months later, surprise! To me, that isn't worthy of being called an accomplishment. Again, I can hear you bitching now. "Well, John, it's more complex than that. If someone is happy they are having a child then their happiness is an accomplishment. Or if someone had a child who had issues getting pregnant before, that is an accomplishment." I think finding happiness is worth celebrating. If you finally have a kid after years of failed attempts, yes, that is most definitely worth celebrating. You deserve to have a Gatorade shower. But is that truly an accomplishment? It's no secret that women for a large part of the 20th century were housewives. They had to cook, raise children, and take care of the house while the man was at work. But women do so much more than that now. They run Fortune 500 companies, they break glass ceilings, they play sports with the boys, the list goes on. Women are achieving so much more now. Times have changed, and therefore people have as well. Women care about building a career, helping other women overcome barriers, and leaving a legacy behind in the world. So, in turn, they tend to care less about if dinner is ready when hubby is off work. When people evolve, so do their goals and their mindsets. 

     I get it, many of us grew up thinking we all want to get married one day and have a family. For a lot of us now, however, other goals take precedence over that. The birth rate in America has dropped to an all-time low according to data from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. A recent article from the great (but "failing") New York Times discussed the low fertility rate and interviewed a 32-year-old woman who was more focused on reaching a level of success before she even considers starting a family. Many millennials are focused on other things rather than having kids. Whether that be school, a career, or Fortnite, those things have caused Gerber to slow down food production. Maybe you're thinking people are not having sex as they once were? STDs were at an all-time high in 2017, according to the CDC. So people are still doing the dirty and getting the clap, which doesn't deserve a round of applause. 

     So why is this change happening? Why are people not having kids like they used to? We can start with the economy. With so many kids still living at home and with student loans sucking the life out of them, how could you possibly afford a kid? Society kind of stinks right now, there are a lot of troubling things going on in the world. Maybe that hinders some would-be parent's decisions? There are several other factors I’m sure I’m unaware of, but it would be ignorant not to think that having a kid isn't viewed as vital as it once was. And to that, I say good! Good, because it is not an achievement. Having a child doesn't take the same dedication as finishing college or the same persistence as landing your dream job. It is not the same achievement as helping people in need, or building a school in your hometown like LeBron James. It is not the same as serving your country, or winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Having a child should be celebrated, but considering it an accomplishment is off base like a baseball player who just got tagged out. Or as my good friend who has a 4-year-old son put it "Any numbnuts with a hard-on and quality jizz can make a kid." I couldn't have said it better. 

     Now before you go off and call me a hater, I recognize there is an accomplishment in having a kid. It all boils down to how that child you gave birth to or helped raise, turned out to be. The actual accomplishment comes years after exiting the womb. Did the child you raised turn out to be a productive member of society? Did they do good for the world? Are they not a shitty person? Do they hate the Kardashian's as they should? With all the blood, sweat, and tears that goes into raising the child, if the end result is good, then that is what the real accomplishment is. Not just giving birth or getting pregnant, that's an egregiously limited perspective. There is always more to the story, and who likes reading incomplete stories? We want the full story, and within the context of that full story gives us the whole picture. And within that full picture allows us to see the true achievement.

    Just like having a kid, any person can get down on one knee and pop the question. Anyone really can get married. Don't believe me? Well, here are some examples. A man by the name of Lie Ye of China married himself…a cardboard cutout of himself. A Japanese man married a character out of his Nintendo DS game. A man from Korea married a pillow (I bet they were quick to hit the sheets). A British woman married a dolphin. A Hindu woman married a cobra, and the list goes on (unfortunately). Anyone and anything really can get married. Plus it's easy to do so as you please. You can go through a drive-thru in Las Vegas and get hitched. Once on a lunch break I traveled to Smashburger because I wanted my go-to combo. Only to find out instead of getting my original burger with SmashFires, I was told I had to come back another time. Why? Well, because there was a wedding reception inside. Just like having kids, marriage rates have gone down in America over the last few years. The decline in marriage could be a correlation to the decrease in kids as people are focused on achieving their career goals before settling down. 

Continuing with the anyone can get married list, this German man married his dying cat. Just a guess but I'd say never before has a cat wanted to kill it's owner so much.

So let's go back to the original question. Should getting married be considered an accomplishment? No, it's not because anyone can do it. Anyone can get married anywhere they please whether that be at Taj Mahal or a burger joint that clogs your arteries. It's like saying breathing or talking shit about Kanye West is an accomplishment. We have all done it, but that doesn't mean we have achieved anything. Should we be crediting things as an accomplishment that literally anyone can do? Again, should we celebrate getting married? Absolutely! Whether you're marrying your high school sweetheart, a cardboard cut out of yourself, Charles Manson, or a dolphin, congrats! But to think that is an accomplishment is just as ridiculous as marrying a cardboard cutout of yourself, or Charles Manson, or a damn dolphin.

Why do things have value in life? It all comes down to the value we as people give whatever it is. Some people, a.k.a. idiots once bid on bags of air from a Kanye West concert on eBay. Why? Because they were idiots, but also because those idiots saw value in the bags. We place value on items, and we do the same with words. We can give value and take away value by misusing certain words. Saying I'm sorry all the time when you don't mean it takes value away from the word. Saying you're reliable, then showing up late, takes value away from the word when you use it. Calling something an accomplishment when it isn't can take away value from things that truly are. If you consider everything you do an accomplishment, then how do you feel when you do accomplish something that is of value? Maybe not as good as you should? Little tricks like that can provide psychological value.
So go ahead, have a baby, and get married. Have a baby while getting married. Just don't get married to a baby, Jared Fogle. Celebrate marriage and childbirth! But don't consider them an accomplishment like you would graduating from college or opening a school. Set your standards higher. Who knows, that marriage you say is an accomplishment now could end in divorce in the future. That child you gave birth to might end up being an internet troll living in your basement, until he signs up for AARP one day. If those things happen, then the only thing you've accomplished is realizing you may have been better off marrying a dolphin and banging him too.